Hello boys and girls, I’m Major Dumas, here today to tell
you about the dangers of America’s
nuclear arsenal. While atom bombs are our
friends, and America’s
greatest weapon against our red communist enemy…they can be dangerous to look
at while being tested on the range. Don’t
believe me?..look at this atomic sun tan kids…I got this beauty by just walking
outside and gazing upon that big cloud of radioactive goodness. See where my sunglasses were? In 30 years, after it’s had time to settle
into my system, I’ll die a horrible death, riddled with cancers that medical
science hasn’t even come up with names for yet.
But that’s in the future kids, when we’re all cruising around in flying cars
and wearing skin tight suits that’ll even make mom’s rear end appetizing…let’s
focus on the present. Kids, while mom and
dad are "blowing" your college fund and trust money in Las Vegas at Binion’s or
the Four Queens, and you’re stuck wandering the streets downtown with nothing
to do...should you see that glorious mushroom cloud, the one that signifies America’s
scientific superiority over the red menace, try not to look directly into
it. Find somewhere indoors, like the
local malt shop, or the bowling alley, or that special place with the red light
that dad likes to go to when mom’s away visiting grandma, and get inside. You don’t want that “glow in the dark” sun
tan like me now…do you? Protecting
yourself from atomic rays will make everyone’s life a little bit safer…right
kids? You girls out there who are the future
mothers of a free America, remember…looking into the light will cause you to
have three eyed, twelve toed little monsters…they’ll have to be taken to that
special place where mommy and daddy put your “special” older brother, the one
that no one talks about…understand? And
for you boys out there, we need you to be strong and healthy when you graduate
high school, because we have a special mission for you…in a faraway place known
as Southeast Asia…are you ready! So don’t be a Major Dumas kids…and remember boys
and girls, if someone offers you a reefer cigarette, you tell them that you
don’t smoke “Red” dope, because narcotics are a commie’s best friend. Over and out.
I got this Barclay pod foot officer through the mail the
other day. I don’t know if the face was
painted fluorescent pink by some "smart-ass" factory worker ticked off over the
wages, or by some long-haired hippie kid, pissed at his parents because he
wanted to go to Woodstock and mommy and daddy said no “f-ing” way. Who knows…either way, it made me chuckle.
